Folks, the NSA Has Arisen, and My Dog Fouled My Lawn

There I was: the sun shining, the grill filled with sweet italian sausages, enjoying the warm spring afternoon. A day of greatness.

My dog was nosing about in the grass. It'd been over a week since the lawn mower was used. The grass was long, starting to get those seeded tops. Wheaty, if you will. Speaking of wheaty, right by the cedar fence, my dog squatted, looked at me, and began to shake.

Out came a side of beef, three hummingbirds, and a shovel.

And my phone was clicking.

Bold Bernanke

Fed meets. Fed decides economy strong. Fed decides inflation looms. Fed raises rate. Fed hints more increases to come. Fed hints more to inflation than oil.

I eat pasta. I eat ground turkey. I eat green and yellow squash. I eat broccoli. Belly happy. I eat too much. Belly unhappy. Body confused. Body excretes gas. Gas diffuses through room.

The Best Part Of Waking Up...

...is coffee running out of your butt.

Coffee, coffee, croissant, and coffee. This was a high-quality croissant, too. Crusty on the outside, but still oily and soft on the inside. Just like the sludge that came streaming through me this morning.

Disney World, Fast Food, Roller Coaster

The Tower of Terror is not for those with high blood pressure or heart problems. This thing drops you 13 stories, then zips you back up, drops you back down, sends you back up, drops you back down, zips you back up...

The Aerosmith Rock and Rollercoaster is also a potentially life-threatening experience. It's FAST. It spins you, sends you upside down, drops you and basically attempts to "thrill" you.

So, what's better than a burger and fries to ease your way back to solid ground following these fangled experiences? We enjoyed a few rides at MGM, then ate lunch at a quasi-movie-set-fast-food-eatery.

With my stomach still rolling from the Tower of Terror, I found myself on a clean Disney toilet. I was disappointed. I was expecting the toilet to shake, rattle, and roll and come equipped with a toaster and an english muffin, after all, I did pay 67 dollars to get into this place. Sadly, the toilet was nothing more than conventional, and my excrement matched the toilet in its lack of exotica. It was a run of the mill, brown banana log shot.

Sorry.

By the way, Disney is creepy. You buy your admission ticket. Then you sign your own ticket. Instead of ordinary turnstiles to get in, you insert your ticket, with your signature thereon, into a small photocopier. Your signature and ticket are photocopied, while you stick your fingers into a machine which measures your fingers and, presumably, copies your fingerprints. All the while you are on film and being watched by Disney Security Forces. So, in sum, you are photographed, manually identified, physically identified, and tagged with finger measurements. That's shady.

Shine my Light on the World

Soy Sauce, sugar and rice wine. That's right, teriyaki chicken. I'm not afraid of bird flu, but if acute abdominal pain, followed by rear end eruptions, is a symptom, I may have it.

Steak, Eggs, Bacon, Toast, Coffee, Juice and Mud

There is nothing better than breakfast. Start the day well-fueled and the day will likely be enjoyable. Also, starting the day with heaping piles of eggs, steak, bacon, and toast wakes up the digestive tract in a big way.

Just about finishing my first hour of work, I came to life.
Running up the stairs, I was hoping the o-ring would remain intact.

It did. From deep within my insides, sprang some pretty obnoxious stuff, looking very much like soft serve ice cream. Except it was warm.

Comparative Excretion

What the world needs, is a toilet that can weigh its contents.